Help I need a fix!
I tend to be enrolled in some sort of course, educational institution, workshop or personal growth literature at all times. What can I say, I love self-inquiry and the pursuit of self-fulfillment and peak experiences. I feel that I have always been a seeker and it really became a strong driving force in my life in my 20’s. Not much has changed in that respect. However my deeper motivations have definitely changed. As a younger women I was bogged down by not being enough and not having enough. Most of my self-improvement experience was entrenched in filling a gaping hole or fixing that broken part of me that at the time felt irreparable. The poor self-esteem and lack of self-love I struggled with made my approach to self-improvement harsh and unkind. I deprived myself of enjoyment, I overworked my body, and the reel in my head repeated that I wasn’t smart enough and I would never figure it out among other unkind sentiments. Fast forward to now, I feel like I finally have a grasp on self-acceptance. I still sometimes deal with some inner critic, but she’s not so mean usually, and I have more power in telling her to shut the F*#! Up. I no longer see myself as broken or un-whole, but rather I am a work in progress remembering and moving into the whole person that I always have been, but had just forgotten. So the distinction between then and now seems to be it was an outside job (pursuing external validation and material things to prove my worth) to an inside job ( building self-awareness and self-compassion and exploring and then imagining in myself, the state of existence that a person who is happy, fulfilled, positive, and trusts that they are enough has. It’s a state of being rather than all the doing we sometimes get distracted by.
So how does one make the shift?
Well I can only speak from my own experience, but one catalyst for me a few years back came as I was preparing for a yoga workshop that I was scheduled to teach. I found a poster from Mindful.org titled 7 Things Mindful People Do differently
you can google it, but this is my interpretation:
I'm an asshole, my 6 year old told me so.
I was as usual, rushing around, waking up way earlier than my natural clock likes, to journal and work out the only time I could fit it in.
Moving from pilates lesson to pilates lesson all day long, putting in a 1/2 hour commute 2 ways each day.
Shutting myself in my office as soon as I got home to build my coaching business, breaking for a rushed dinner and then back to the grind and the glow of the computer screen.
Maybe a little inspirational reading before closing my eyes only to be kept awake by my whirling mind and then finally some rest, but never quite enough...
ALARM and repeat. Sound familiar?
Well, here was my wake up call.... As I was rushing off to yet another late night meeting, which held the promise of missing bedtime yet again, My daughter burst into tears. "You are never here! You never read to me!" There was a pause, and then she glared and calmly stated, "But I'm used to it, it's been like this for the last two years." then she averted her eyes, and I had to go to my meeting.
Cue... broken heart. Yes I do understand children are master manipulators, but this did get me thinking... I wasn't happy with my over scheduled life or the limited time I had for fun and connection with my love ones. It had actually been bumming me out for a long time, but the pleaser in me didn't want to let any of my clients down by shaking things up, the financially fearful part of me didn't want to bite the hand that had been feeding me so well for the last few years, in other words it was status quo all the way.
However, my daughter's reaction was finally the catalyst I needed to take action and really start creating a life I love. (just like I coach my clients on each day). I am so happy to say the day after that meeting, I started telling clients I was moving my practice to a studio closer to my home, and they were invited if it worked for them.
This change will be happening in a couple of weeks, so I will finally commit to block scheduling, work and at least 1/2 as much self care. Special evenings of connection and fun with my dear ones and trusting that by walking my talk and being intentional towards my truth.
The universe will respond with supportive energy.
A huge shout out to my baby girl for finally shaking me awake.
What wake up calls, red flags or sirens are going off in your life? Are you honoring the message? What will it take for you to get unstuck and open yourself to a new possibility and create the life you love? Get in touch if you want to explore possibilty.