Power Posing to Freedom
The photo above is me in 1995, my first L.A. photo shoot. I look powerful and badass, which I should have felt because I had just been scouted on the sidewalk, introduced and set up for a shoot with an impossibly cool photographer.
During the shoot, he nonchalantly said, "Huh? You're prettier than I expected." and at the end, he referred me to Elite and Ford the two most significant agencies at the time. I signed with Elite a few days later. It was a dream come true for a girl raised on Seventeen Magazine in the era of supermodels.
But... there was a problem, well many. At that point in my life, my beliefs were strong and consisted of, I'm not worthy, and I don't belong. I felt anything but badass. I blushed anytime I was asked what I did, I would squeak out almost inaudibly, "I model" then I would turn into a beet. My blushing was severe and debilitating, and the embarrassment about the blushing only made me redder.
One way I could feel in control was my severe eating disorders that had started before but got really real during that period. What I see now is, I didn't feel worthy of being nourished, and I didn't feel worthy of taking up space, so I attempted to shrink myself. I used outrageous workouts and rigid scheduling for eating, sleeping, and exercise as punishment. I was a literal "hot mess," even though those old photos show something completely different.
It was like living in a cage of pretend. I pretended to be cool and together and perfect, but I was coming apart at the seems under that sleek exterior. I never experienced much success in that career because I didn't own my power, my truth, or my beauty. In that state of mind and that state of being, I was caught by dysmorphia, and when I looked in the mirror, I saw a troll.
My saving grace and my versions of power posing through this period were my three besties; we were all seekers, navigating our way through young adulthood. We had precious conversations about who we were and why, and who we hoped to become.
I also did extensive work with Landmark Education, my first exposure to a-ha moments and transformation.
Additionally, yoga and the study of yogic philosophy were starting to get super interesting to me.
Finally and thankfully, I had enough. I woke up one day and chose healing, self-compassion, authenticity and my brilliance I quit modeling because in fact it was killing me, and at the time it was taking me far away from my truth. I was completly out of alignment.
I'd like to say my journey was quick and I had it all figured out in 6 months, but no... It's been 23 years, and I'm still tweaking behaviors and beliefs every day to uncover my truth. However, the growth and healing that has occurred in the last five years have been exponential.
How? I finally invested in support and structured accountability in the form of therapy, coaching, and personal growth study. I also chose to open my heart over the old pattern of isolation so that I could establish and in some cases re-establish a tribe of supportive, loving, souls.
Flash forward to today.
Work in progress? Always!
A woman who practices non-negotiable self-care, rest and fun based on self-love?
A woman who surrounds herself with supportive energizing people who love and want her to succeed?
A woman who is ending a family legacy of self-sacrifice, depression, hiding and self-medicating, by modeling self-love, authenticity, and bold self-expression to her daughter?
A woman who has found her purpose and is willing to share her gifts with the world?
A woman who can get up in front of almost 1000 people and share her truth in service of people breaking open to their version of brilliance?
I don't share this in a "look at me I'm so great and evolved" way, but, as evidence that if I can do it... your dreams and your best-fulfilled life are possible too. If you have had enough of the limiting behaviors and beliefs that hold you back and you are ready to uplevel and move towards your dreams now. I want to invite you to The Oxygen Mask 3 part Workshop series starting on May 4th.
I have carefully curated, exercises and practices to make a perfect starter course. I intend to help you bring awareness to the patterns that are holding you, hostage so that you can finally move through them and find some freedom on the other side.
Click here for more info