Who's in charge here?
One of the most potent obstructions of our brilliance is that inner voice that lets us know,
"You're not ready."
...And that's when she's being nice. Sometimes she's way more abrupt and downright abusive.
I call her my inner mean girl, her name is Bechelle, and she's a B. Other people might refer to this voice as the ego, or the ego gone wild.
Bechelle used to be a lot meaner and louder, at her worst she said,
"Don't love yourself, you're not worthy."
"Don't be yourself, because nobody is going to love that."
"Stay small, and hide out, no one is interested in your joker gifts."
For a long time, I was at war with Bechelle; I would scream and yell back at her, "Shut up, Shut up, Shut the F up!"
I'd plead, " Why are you torturing me, please stop."
and then a lot of the time I would just give in and agree,
"She must be right; I really am a shitty person."
My response ran the gamut from resistance, disregarding, outrage, and acceptance. None of those served me very well, in either bolstering my esteem or getting her off my case.
So what did I do? I got super curious,
"Why are you here?"
"What do you need?"
"What can I learn from you?"
I began to get to know Bechelle, and I realized she had my best interest at heart even though her methods were really ineffective. I saw she just wanted me to be safe, and loved, and to belong. She had a lot of fear, that could be quelled by massive amounts of self-care, and mindfulness. So that's what I gave her in thanks for all the hard work she had done most of my life.
She's become much quieter, and softer, and when she pops up to share her advice, In a kind voice I say, "Thanks, I know you have my best interest at heart, I understand you are afraid, and I am a resourceful, empowered adult and I've got this."
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